MY LIFE 101

REHASH MY BLOG, REHASH MY LIFE

This blog has already become the reflection of my struggle against my own emotions, and my struggle against my own shortcomings as a person, and the point where they all consumed me, and controlled me. I do not know now where to pick myself up again, having been a failure in my life and duties, having neither a single purpose nor definite course. I made choices, they are right, but for some reasons, I have let them spill over and deteriorate, consume me, and overpower me. I want to breathe, I want to see where I am going though I have lost the reins that are supposed to guide me.

This is no longer the intellectual and insightful blog that I wanted it to be. It has been filled with embarrassing and useless rants that reflect the way I handled my life before and after I left college, and now. A big percentage of it does not belong to me. They are all emotions that I let out not for myself but for other people external to myself. All of these are not mine. They have been products of my selfishness and lack of logic, insisting on what I want, choosing not to do or give what I do not like and refusing to accept reality and other people’s needs.

I do not want to need anyone to depend on for anything – that includes emotional support. I want to find myself and be my own self. I want to focus my energies on the more important things in life, and be there for people who need me the most. I can no longer keep on living this way, or else I will degenerate instead of being able to grow, and destroy people who are really important to me.

LIFE:
When we are happy we see it in the light of different hues and colors. Depression and loneliness give us a vision of melancholic black and white. But these colors are not important. We do not need to romanticize and balloon them in our minds. These emotions, these thoughts and the concrete reality where they are attached to, are all constructs of our own choices, and we face them, correct and rectify them if they are all wrong. I should stop blaming other people and situations whenever I fall. The very first person or factor to look into is myself. I make the choices, I make the mistakes, and I am the one supposed to deal with it.

24 October 2009
6:00 pm
Note: 2009 is not a bad year.

The Cat Dream

Cats... In my dream. There are four of them. There is a room. I had to look in it because weird sounds come from it at night. One of the cats is a kitten on top of a cupboard that room who can't get off. Two of them are on the floor and one is somewhere else. It's my official pet. I dont know why, but I was so scared to get inside the room, nor to get near the cats.

In that dream, The owner of the house is an old geezer who we are helping to move out. Now, we were wondering who was making those strange sounds. Ta-dah, next frame, a thin troublesome girl in pigtails with cat ears like stuff on her head appeared. She seems to be the human form of the kitten that I was talking about earlier. She was so tsundere, wanting special attention, while making some snotty remarks about everything.

Afterwards, we were all discussing what to do with the cats, and what to do with the transforming one. Apparently, one of us got victimized already by her snotty tsun-tsunness. One of us, a girl with mid-length straight hair, said, "She's not even human. Ang kapal ng fez niya." I, on the other hand, was speculating that the old geezer of the house is keeping the cat for some of his perverted purposes. And on and on we go. The discussion went on long.

We were talking about the nekko girl while cleaning out stuff, when this old geezer with his wife and daughter arrived. I woke up from the dream.

Pillow Fight Manila 2011

Botolan, Anawangin, at iba pa sa Zambales

We came to visit Donna's province and hometown at Botolan, Zambales and went off to Anawangin, for the beach, the camp, and the trek. We also went to Casa San Miguel, an art gallery with a performing space located in San Antonio, and to a river that leads straight to Mt. Pinatubo. But we did not bother going to Mt. Pinatubo. That's for a different sched already.

The colors turned out to be good kahit camera phone lang gamit ko. Some or most of the pictures are completely random. The phone had no power during the more interesting parts of the trip which sucks so bad. Mukhang wala na sa mood ang mga tao magpicturan nung pauwi na so kung anuano na lang ang kinuhanan ko.

On our way home, I took pictures of the cute Subic town, and some more random things. So that's that.

At hindi ako mapakali. At hindi makagawa.

World War Dream, Walking Distance Mode

I dreamt of me and Poli with other people, who turned out to be guerilla fighters of some sort, being stuck in a war-torn place. We were faced with the problem of having to avert enemy forces from the south. There was a mention of having to retreat to South America. But images of the Amazon jungle, vis-a-vis destruction slipped in, so the idea was scrapped. Poli and I then walked northwards till we reached North pole. 

North pole was kinda cool. It was like walking on a beach where the water was ankle-high and frosted, but not cold. No temperature. Just a scenery of walking on semi-sand-ice-snow submerged on a foot of water. When we thought we've reached the center of the North pole, a spot wherein we can put up a flag that says "North Pole", we saw a crack through the ice with water spilling over. Then he said, "siguro ito yung cause ng Global Warming."

I felt so scared and afraid, while he was in a nonchalant mode, "okay lang yan!" like the usual. Ack! A little while later, we saw headlights coming from a distance. It's North pole goddamnit. "They're too far," Poli said. I pulled him back south, leaving us in the middle of desert military jeeps coming from the north and some civilian infantry coming from the south. The towns in the middle are all empty. 

We went into a detachment-like house and gathered all ammo, guns, and necessary weapons available, slinging like five armalite guns on my shoulder. This time, our group suddenly increased. I told everyone that there are enemy from the north. While slinging like five long guns on my shoulder, I held on to one of them, on guard with the trigger, pointing towards the street, while I am standing at the entrance of the station. 

I stayed in that position for a long while, until one of our comrades took hold of my shoulder and told me that I would endanger our companions with my paranoia. The jeepneys from the north were actually allies. It was not clear whether they are reinforcements, or friends or refugees. They are just... companions.

So I put down my weapon, but still had it beside me. My grandmother was there, tinkering with the gun, I was thinking of how come she's able to hold it while I was given restraint. So we settled on an encampment. While struggling for where to find fuel for cooking, and my best friend challenging me to cook by heating water in the pitcher.

That's about that. And when the feeling of danger subsided, I felt some boredom and frustration of not engaging in any form of combat. It was fun to note that all those countries were reachable by foot. All was just a dream. But the feelings of fear and danger were all real. 

I have so many endeavors in life. But none of them would make me rich.