Sleepy

“For my entire life I longed for love. I knew it was not right for me — as a girl and later as a woman — to want or expect it, but I did, and this unjustified desire has been at the root of every problem I have experienced in my life.” — Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, Lisa See

I have gone awol

I don't know why, or I am probably just brushing off the reason why. Naglapse na ang leave from the office. Pero pinalipas ko ang apat na araw na di pumapasok, dahil ayoko pumasok. Hindi lang ako makapagfunction ng matino.

Hindi ko rin ginamit ng matino yung apat na araw para manlang sana matapos ang paper ko sa CL.

Wala na kong ibang gagawin.

Old House Dream Sequence

This dream is weird. I dreamed about the same subject not a few months ago, but in a different context. Before I forget the whole of it, I am writing it down.

The subject was our old house in Parañaque. The house was spacious enough to hold rehearsals for two different plays simultaneously, and clean enough to go barefoot in it. We rented that house for 15 years, and had to move out for financial reasons. Hence, our permanent residence is now in Laguna. As a child, I faced much difficulty in parting with the house, and the world that came with it - having to ride a school bus, my busmates, neighborhood friends, the short distance to school, the routine, the dogs, the playground, the peace, -- everything.

Last night, I dreamed about that house. We were having some sort of a rehearsal for a play. It was full of familiar faces. The venue was our old house. 

The appearance of the house changed drastically. Its mini garden was no longer a garden. It was cleared out and replaced with resin-coated flooring, extending up to the garage. The inside sported a dance studio flooring (reminds me of the SSC Performing Arts Room), from the old marble tiles that it had. The divisions were a lot more different... It made the house look bigger, and cleaner? I did not remember seeing the 2nd floor though.

So it's as if we still live there, while confronted with the same need to leave the house. This time, I was trying to think of the things that I can already do. Like, work and sustain the rent (The most unthinkable call center idea came into my head). I was squeezing out renting info from my mom, asking her about how much is the rent etc. 

I remembered that I was thinking of several things before that other sequence that is still within that dream and with the same context - I was crying. That unstoppable outpouring. Several people came to look at me, watch me cry. They just watched. Some asked me why. I remember that there were 5 or 4 people around me, randomly positioned as if in a normal daily school setting - sitting or leaning on the railings. And I was there crying... Wearing a pink tank top and crying.

And I forgot the rest of it.

Dream Sequence

I had two sci-fi dreams the past week.

I forgot the first one but I was able to recount it to Poli before I forgot it. I wish he can still remember my story.

The second one was all about a big alien machine that uses centrifugal force to combine all stellar atoms. The image was so vast yet the end product was a triangular shaped pillow, that feels like a stress ball. I was tasked to protect it, and guard it as an artifact.