This blog has already become the reflection of my struggle against my own emotions, and my struggle against my own shortcomings as a person, and the point where they all consumed me, and controlled me. I do not know now where to pick myself up again, having been a failure in my life and duties, having neither a single purpose nor definite course. I made choices, they are right, but for some reasons, I have let them spill over and deteriorate, consume me, and overpower me. I want to breathe, I want to see where I am going though I have lost the reins that are supposed to guide me.
This is no longer the intellectual and insightful blog that I wanted it to be. It has been filled with embarrassing and useless rants that reflect the way I handled my life before and after I left college, and now. A big percentage of it does not belong to me. They are all emotions that I let out not for myself but for other people external to myself. All of these are not mine. They have been products of my selfishness and lack of logic, insisting on what I want, choosing not to do or give what I do not like and refusing to accept reality and other people’s needs.
I do not want to need anyone to depend on for anything – that includes emotional support. I want to find myself and be my own self. I want to focus my energies on the more important things in life, and be there for people who need me the most. I can no longer keep on living this way, or else I will degenerate instead of being able to grow, and destroy people who are really important to me.
LIFE:
When we are happy we see it in the light of different hues and colors. Depression and loneliness give us a vision of melancholic black and white. But these colors are not important. We do not need to romanticize and balloon them in our minds. These emotions, these thoughts and the concrete reality where they are attached to, are all constructs of our own choices, and we face them, correct and rectify them if they are all wrong. I should stop blaming other people and situations whenever I fall. The very first person or factor to look into is myself. I make the choices, I make the mistakes, and I am the one supposed to deal with it.
24 October 2009
6:00 pm
Note: 2009 is not a bad year.
