Physical, Mental, and Emotional Exhaustion

Aside from having my heart broken every weekend, I have been trying to live in different dimensions since the month started, and until now, I haven't found the sense of having to breathe. Unknowingly, I have been able to suppress and constrict all my feelings and knowledge of what I have been going through between me, myself and him.

I am so tired. I can only describe things in as much as metaphors can allow, because I have lost the capacity to say them all straight out, objectively, and I lost my trust for everything.

Because everything, in just one snap, can vanish.

What you thought that matters much, can just be treated with so much indifference.

It just keeps on happening. They keep coming.

And I'm just tired.

I miss THIS

The world around me is too fast-paced, or rather too full? That i seemed to have forgotten to write the words and thoughts that run inside my head.

I consider it a wastage, complete wastage. I forgot to think, and if I think, I forget to remember them and put them in words. The images are all fleeting that i cannot seem to grab hold of them and dissolve them into something as fluid as ink.

They just all fly away.

Nobody pushes me. I need to be pushed around to think. And nobody pushes me to write. Or I have never felt alone for so long that i do not have the resort to do this.

I miss updating my blog.

Hindi kasi ko Emo as of the moment kaya wala ako maisulat.

I think I need to learn writing positive stuff. or to wrrite from my mind and not from my emotions. I am not a serious writer, I do not consider myself good enough to take this thing seriously. But well...

(ellipses)

MRT Blues, MRT Stampede

I woke up at 6 am and left the house at 730 am. At that rate, I expect to arrive in school by 830a.m.

The MRT was temporarily shut down when I got there by 7:50a.m. The queue to enter the boarding area reached 2 flights of stairs. I queued. (Walang sinabi ang stored value card sa bulsa ko.)

By 8:00 am, I was able to get inside the boarding area. When I got there, four trains passed, and I can't get in because they're all loaded up. Four trains with 3-5 minute intervals passed before an empty train came to save our day.

The door wouldn't open. People were panicking. When it finally opened, STAMPEDE!!!! Everyone rushed in!!!!

Heto:
"Easy lang kayo! Magkakasya tayo lahat jan!"
"Yahoooo!!!!!!!"
"Anu ba yan, antay naman."

Well, morning MRT adventures has become constant and enduring companions in my life.
That is followed by a very long walk from EDSA to Makati Avenue, to avoid traffic and longer jeepney queues.

Crowded. Full. Surrounded by so many people.
I do not know them. But we communicate.
We cramp up in one common space.

Sharing this life's hell and hope.
I am a hollow piece of shell in the middle of it all.

Recent Facebook posts...

Hay out of nowhere nagpakita ng spite. Like heller... Inaano ka ba namin!? Haha!

Clinically depressed ata ako. hindi na normal ang reactions ko sa mga bagay-bagay.

Facebook is a reflection of how natural human culture is being commodified. Lahat ng emosyon natin, kalungkutan maging ang pag-ibig at pagkakaugnay ugnay ng mga tao... nagiging isa na lamang kalakal, sa bawa't click at pagalaw ng mouse, sa bawa't takatak ng keyboard...

haven't started a single thing... bound to be the world's greatest failure...

Positivity. Positivity. Everything will be okay.

I AM NOT WORKING DILIGENTLY.

I have to start learning how to be selfless, and sacrifice. Sumakay ako ng MRT, bumaba sa non-routine station... Nagpapalipas ng lungkot sa Trinoma.

How psycho am I? Shet sa pagkakavaried ng random thoughts ko! hahah!

When you suffer, there is always a reward.

Freedom.
Disclosure.
Breathing space.

I have to thank a few friends and a new friend for that.

Ngayon ko lang na-appreciate ang kalayaan at ang pagkakataon na magbukas ng mga pintuan.

Lalalala

Apocalypse, by Arah Rivadeneira

The blanket of shadows unfolds

A P

     I

    T of

lO s T p L ot S,

turmoil

p

o

u

r

s

b  R  e A  t  H  i  N  g  life to DEATH.

Noah's Ark Reenacted

My whole body is still aching due to my lone adventure yesterday. I walked from Katipunan to Project 2 through Xavierville. One third of the journey I was submerged in 4.5-5.5 feet of murky water. Can't get over it. I remember distinguishing between water, mud and crude oil as I was trudging through the deeper parts of the flooded street, holding on to the grilled fences of houses along the way, hoping to at least elevate myself. When the current became stronger and the water get deeper, I stopped at the middle of the sea and a manong came to help me carry my things. Otherwise, I would have drowned or have stayed there till God knows when...ALONE.

We were at least lucky that our spot here in QC is high enough for the water to reach. The streets not so far from here are all flooded. But the hassle and frazzle that this typhoon has brought upon us is no big joke. I have a few friends who woke up with all their appliances and furniture floating up to the second storeys of their houses. My co-teahcers at Mapua slept inside the campus. I was not able to attend my meeting. I am scheduled to visit my Grandma at Filinvest Antipolo today but it was not possible; Marcos highway is a disaster. My phone is not working yet and my students' school papers are soaking wet.

I don't want to make this a rundown of my personal calamity-related rants. But the thing is, these are all not normal. Everyone are all pointing to that synthetic phenomenon called Global Warming/Climate change... We are being accused that we are all suffering for our incessant desire for civilization that ruined the planet. Before the flood, the bell was rung like hell to save mother Earth. They called for...

energy conservation.
water conservation.
reforestation.
recycle-ation.
SM greenbag-ation.
woe to our salvation!

That is not the point. The real point is to find the main culprit. There are like a hundred companies "chimney"-ing industrial smoke more than all the population of the world's cigarette smokes put together. There are more mining companies spilling out poisonous chemicals in the world's main water sources more than all those homeless people shitting on their shanties straight to the rivers in third world and even capitalist countries put together. There are a lot of government institutions who have let illegal loggers do away with their activities and all that jazz.

I am more than willing to use green bags, conserve water, and turn off my faucets, dvd player and flourescent bulbs. But it can only do much. The people can only do so much. Find the culprit, and uproot the root of the problem. The people have lived long enough under the bridges, under the yoke of poverty. Let us just hope that some people out there would be willing to let go just SOME of their profits for the sake of humanity. That would be more effective than all of our little efforts put together, than all of our efforts facing the effects and not the cause.

"Actions should be measured by their effect on the greater good of the world, not the consequences for the individual." - David Hume


****


Post ko ito kahapon. Ngayon, mas marami pa akong nakikitang mga maling kaganapan. Parang hirap na hirap sa rescue operations ng gobyerno. Hindi handa ang gobyerno sa pagharap sa kalamidad. Kulang sa mga rubber boats, at maraming mga lugar ang hindi matunton ng rescue operations.

Totoo ngang may climate change. Pero sapat na ba ang ulan na naganap kahapon para makapagdulot ng ganitong uri ng baha? Well, anong dam ang binuksan na wala man lang patumanggang pasabihan ang mga tao na maghanda!?

Wala lang.

Failed Stoic

Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic
Failed Stoic

I have yet to summon...

the spirit of productivity...

to produce 3 pages for a very boring and stupid...

1969 movie.

In any case, I'm half done...
And I may at least stop deliberately squandering around

and get back to business.

Working for 14 hours already.
I would allow myself to take a 2 hour break in the form of sleep,
then get back to the same mode again...

Because I simply love doing it...
No matter how I refuse myself to feel it.

A Conversation between the Center and the Head

I made this one time when i cannot sleep... i can't post it all at once, it went up to three pages...

But don't take these seriously. They're crap...
First three stanzas



It has been ten epochs since you have been thrown like mud, Egleia.
How can you forsake yourself in such fashion?
I have not slept since then.
You have been hurt and trampled upon like rocks on an ash pit
And why Egleia?
I have not slept since then...

I have only heard a fit of rage in the message portal
You have been sent to the White Village
I had you surrounded with the muses and the elves...
Why?
After all the nails you're letting this affricate...
And once again you are beguiled!

i thought that Endymion would still be yonder awaiting there when I come back
He was standing at the foot of my abode
He said he was coming back
           He told me to hope...
                       He asked forgiveness...
I was carrying a lot of parcel then
i was weeping
A monster consumed me...
Fire?

Anger, Egleia.

Application stuff

I used to be a teacher in my previous job and I used to handle the most fun subjects in that school Speech 2(Effective Presentation: Formats and Application) and Speech 4(Debate and Discussion.) Teaching is a very enjoyable profession. Well, you have to possess almost all the skills needed in every profession: designing, writing, PR, being computer-savvy, mathematical inclination, etc. Moreover, you have to be always at par with the stuffs that young people are into so that you can relate to them better, epecially when it comes to dressing up. I used to hate this profession before I embraced it. Being a teacher is more than coming to class and rattling on.

As a teacher, there are a lot of aspects in the job that I love, and there are little that I do not like. The functions that I love the most when I teach is researching for and writing concept papers and teaching inside the classroom. The duties that I hate the most is checking papers and proctoring examinations.

i love writing concept papers and lesson plans because I feel fulfilled everytime I got myself to write anything. I love research because i learn a lot of new thjings that can add up to my knowledge and talent. these two things makes my creativiy put into good use. Well, speaking in front of people and getting them to listen is something that I enjoy. Moreover, speaking to my students feels like talking to the little sisters that I never had. I believe that our discussions were the most productive conversations that I've ever had in my whole life. (They never knew these.)

Moving on, I am quite not enticed to do boring and repetitive stuffs. Computing grades and checking papers are classic examples of those tasks. Proctoring examinations is most unbearable. I have to stand and walk around for hours and wait for students finish the exams while guarding at your wits against any forms of cheating. All throughout, you just stare at them and remain speechless all throughout.

There are downsides to every occupation as much as there are many to expect positively. Well, so far, this is what I can share.

Glorious First for a Freshie in the real world

I love my first job, my first (and I hope that this won't be the last.) year of teaching.

I did not do so well. But I learned something apart from a lot of things. That is, the fact that I am not invincible, as I used to believe. Aside from the fact that I again learned that my weirdness could never be gotten over ever.

Yes I did not do so well. I bore my students, haha. but I gained a lot of friends which I have never believed to happen in the "real world." The real world is all about people in formal working clothes, high heels and survival of the fittest. Nah. It's not that.

In the real world, you can still find people who still believe in neverland, that Peter Pan and fairies exist, and has the child in their hearts.

Well, I am invincible after all. =)