Physical, Mental, and Emotional Exhaustion

Aside from having my heart broken every weekend, I have been trying to live in different dimensions since the month started, and until now, I haven't found the sense of having to breathe. Unknowingly, I have been able to suppress and constrict all my feelings and knowledge of what I have been going through between me, myself and him.

I am so tired. I can only describe things in as much as metaphors can allow, because I have lost the capacity to say them all straight out, objectively, and I lost my trust for everything.

Because everything, in just one snap, can vanish.

What you thought that matters much, can just be treated with so much indifference.

It just keeps on happening. They keep coming.

And I'm just tired.

I love(?) CAL

Magic. Got past the minimum number of pages for Eng 235. Some little editing to do pa. After a long period of sabaw-ness, demotivation, staring at blank pages, and numerous depressing moments, I AM SUBMITTING MILTON THIS WEEK, and finally saying goodbye to him for the moment. One down. **sighs. .) (Grade? [fingers crossed.])

I just finalized my attack as meta-criticism awhile ago, and figured out how to fuse it to textual analysis just A WHILE AGO. I do not want to read the entire text anymore. No more nose-bleed inducing middle period English for me please.

Now I have with me 12 pages of crap. God forbid I fail Eng 235 of all subjects. Really now... fingers crossed.



Afterwards, I have 50 pages waiting to be produced. This is the law of haggard.

I wish I had the brain of Tesla and resolve everything with a unified field theory.

Residence

The hall was dark. 

Several voices come to me. Mocking me as if I could hear.

There was wind coming through the window. 

I felt the cold through the edge of my skirt.

There were walls to which I can lean a little, and I did.

I meandered through the empty space, as I put and lift my hand

One after the other flat on the wall.

I felt the floor. It was hard. Bricks.

Slate, uneven, they were probably chafing

Before it was coated with resin.

Flaws, unshapely deformities,

Forgotten, like how rocks usually are.

There was a time that I believed in God.

I believed in Him before I realized that the hall was dark.

And it was dark not because of the absence of light.

It is my dwelling place.

I rented it out nevertheless.

I know where the door is.

The shape of the carvings on wood.

the creaking sound if turned,

the sudden influx of light when opened.

I looked at the direction to it.

I gave it the most intent glare that I can muster.

Stare. Through the blank space called darkness.

I lovingly put down the blanket on the floor,

lovingly feeling the roughness of the resin coated bricks.

contentedly leaning my head on the wall;

Humming slow songs, screaming with upbeat songs;

Chanting the long forgotten history.

Closing my eyes, and finally turning my back to the door.

This hallway is my house.

I miss THIS

The world around me is too fast-paced, or rather too full? That i seemed to have forgotten to write the words and thoughts that run inside my head.

I consider it a wastage, complete wastage. I forgot to think, and if I think, I forget to remember them and put them in words. The images are all fleeting that i cannot seem to grab hold of them and dissolve them into something as fluid as ink.

They just all fly away.

Nobody pushes me. I need to be pushed around to think. And nobody pushes me to write. Or I have never felt alone for so long that i do not have the resort to do this.

I miss updating my blog.

Hindi kasi ko Emo as of the moment kaya wala ako maisulat.

I think I need to learn writing positive stuff. or to wrrite from my mind and not from my emotions. I am not a serious writer, I do not consider myself good enough to take this thing seriously. But well...

(ellipses)

I woke up at eleven AM

I noticed that I was far from gaining sleep last night. It was 3 am. The lights were off and I was trying to sleep...attempting to sleep for two hours already.

Why?
I was thinking and thinking. Thinking and thinking of the 3 papers that I have to submit tomorrow. And I have only finished half of one of them.

To add to that, I got upset upon discovering that my cellphone charger was left in Laguna. Wow.

But all in all, I was typing those words inside my head: the different points that we've discussed about Shakespeare, anxious that they might be gone if I wake up. So I was left with no choice but to not sleep at all. I got up and started typing. I slept at a quarter before five.

By the way, Them Literary critics think too much.

Katrina, Hayden and all that Blah...

Naramdaman mo na ba ang inis na nakakagigil?

We should recognize, without any doubt, that what Hayden has done is way beyond being heinous. He, along with all those who would attempt to emulate him, deserves a well implemented blow of punishment from the people and the sisterhood of women. Let us not dwell too much on the details, though we should admit that those are really disturbing.

However, we are all being dragged around by the hype of the Hayden-Katrina scandal which has been escalated to the senate already. That would have been tolerable, if avenues for justice and redress are what we seek. At this rate however, it cannot be just put to rest. The matter at hand has become too overrated, that it already snuff out all other important issues that the nation needs to attend to at the moment. What with CARP, the opening of classes and the murderous problems of the youth, we are being drawn, forced by the media to focus on something relatively trivial. Although I dare say that coming out in the open and facing the ordeal of shame on the part of Ms. Halili is commendable.

Hearing the news earlier, with the reporters bothering to mention the characters of this scandal-turned-telenovela's fashion statements and choice of clothing by lucky color, I grit my teeth and rant over and over again, wishing that before everyone else lose their sanity, they'd all get a grip and realize that the money and airtime spent on this hype are all senseless and futile, if only to serve the interests of a few. It is all too obvious with the way things are going.

I expect there is a fat chance that justice would be elusive for the victim. And I expect a hundred percent probability, that ninety nine percent of similar and worse cases involving faceless and nameless women victims who did not have the money and influence that these characters have would see justice slipping out from their hands and running away faster than water would do.

And there would be more rantings.. There would be more women crying, not in front of the cameras and the whole nation but behind closed doors of dark rooms. There would be more silence.

Sa lahat ng ka-chakahan na nagaganap ngayon, ********** lahat!!!

Nakakainis na lang talaga!

I appreciate the presupposed act, but not the intentions. I do not question the need for justice. What I question is that we have all become too selective of giving opportunities to everyone, and that includes having access to heal the wounds of oppression and abuse.